Today.

yesterday, my sister margot, posted on my facebook page that i should start a blog. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? like i have time. for real. i have negative hours in my day.

last week, my mom said that i needed to think about writing a book. like maybe a childrens book about my daily life-diabetes. kids.ben. diabetes. what happens while..IF i get a shower. oliver. diabetes. kids. school. diabetes. pearl. meals. diiiiiabeeeeeeteees. 

take a stab at what my life revolves around...even though i am pretty smooth and can take it with a grain of salt. it's taken 5 years. but i can. most days anyway. i am mom. i didn't sign up for the diabetes part, but whatever-i'm up for a challange.

so yesterday. margot said-write a blog! she's so darn cheery.

ironic. soon after that, a question was posted on the facebook wall of a group i belong too. it's a diabetes group, and it is for parents of type 1 kids. the q was 'how do you do it?' you know, day in and day out of living and breathing diabetes. what gives YOU the gump-shin (there ain't no auto correcting THAT). 

my first thought was...what choice do i have? i have no other choice than to keep watch over my son. i do it out of love. i do it because he has the greatest smile. the best hair, his hugs are AMAZIN', i do it because i am his MOM, it's my job. god picked ME to handle this. now, i am in NO way a religious guru, but i do believe in heaven and in jesus and his saints...and all his prophets, yeah, yeah. yeayeayeayea. 

so, yeah-sometimes i'll be all god like. and some days, not so much. i'm going to heaven, it's cool.

BUT-back to the topic at hand. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

do you know, that some of the parents were PISSED about the question? i couldn't believe it. moms-mostly, were posting responses like 'stupid question' and this one: 'I would like to know who came up with this question. Isn't the group "Parenting Diabetic Kids" Does the person who created this site not have a child with Diabetes? Seriously?? I won't even validate this question with an answer. Freaking insulting and ridiculous" 

i copy and pasted those, by the way. or btw. lol. bazinga. 

well, that made ME mad. i was appalled that another mom, that is going through the same trials and tribulations that i go through had the nerve to be so....rude. this was my response:

"Why are some of you upset with question?? I know that almost daily, I am asked by a non-d parent, HOW I do this day in and day out.
I always answer the same way , I just DO it. In my eyes there is no other way.
Period.
However, if YOU don't and when you didn't live day to day with this disease, you most likely thought the same thing.
I did. And it is obvious NOW what the answer to the question is, but before D...I looked at parents and felt sorry, didn't envy them and was sooo grateful for sleep filled nights. I would think, whoa-so glad it isn't me, mama needs her beauty sleep!
And then I got the eye opener on Thanksgiving Day 2007. Ben was 13 months old. This October, he will be 6.
What if some of the parents are NEWLY diagnosed D parents?? They may be reading these responses and gaining comfort in the fact that they are not alone and see that life DOES go on!
Don't be so ridiculous in mocking who asked or posted the question."

i got 21 'likes' :)

and that got me thinking...i SHOULD write a blog. 

then, today. something else happened...and i use the term 'today', loosely. it was around 12:30 am when i was awoken, again, by the alarm on bens CGM (continous glucose monitor) it's a nifty little machine that ben wears. it tests his interstitial tissue...keeping a continous watch over his blood sugar levels. it isn't totally accurate, but it's like having...well, an alarm. ben's getting high! ben's dropping low! bee-boo-beep!  bee-boo-beep!

(we can go hours and hours through the day and stay in range and not hear a peep out of the damn thing, but as soon as the sun sets and we settle in bed...it. doesn't. stop).

bens blood sugar was running a bit high yesterday afternoon and evening...and then wham! low. 48 with IOB (inuslin on board). in fact, 1.5 units of insulin. and to be blunt-that would have killed him. WOULD not a maybe. WOULD. but we have that awesome CGM to bee-boo-beep and let me know that he is dropping at an UNGODLY rate. we were able to pull him up with 2 cookies and a glass of milk. 

until a few hours later his blood sugar decides to shoot through the roof and STAY PUT. a few bolus' (a 'shot' of fast acting insulin) and an increased basal (a steady stream of insulin given continuously throughout the day and night, different amounts at different times..) and he was still holding steady in the 300's.

so, a site change it is. maybe it's a bent cannula. maybe there is an air bubble in the tubing. maybe...maybe...maybe diabetes is just being a god damn jerk. 

finally, bens blood sugar did start to dwindle down. slowly, of course. that CGM is sure to make sure that sleep is totally over rated in this house. alarming me that yes, he is dropping, but he is still out of  'range' every 30 mintues...until 3 am. at 6 am, we awoke to a beautiful 102. and off to school he went. 

BAM. here we go again. diabetes, that dumb bitch sure is a jokester.

432. shoot me. 

while hurdling THAT fancy doozie, i log on to facebook to see a flooding of blue candles. in OUR world, the blue candles mean that a child has died from type 1. a child, died. it is heart wrenching, really. because that CAN be ben, at any time. this boy-he was 7, btw, and his parents had slept through an over night blood sugar check. when mom DID wake up, startled, she ran in his room only to find that it was too late. her sweet son had passed on his sleep of a dangerously low blood sugar. 

DIB. dead in bed. funny thing is, there is no telling WHICH low blood sugar will take a life. it's a cruel game. and it can happen in the BLINK of an eye. minutes, that is all it can take to die from a low blood sugar. (a high will kill, too, just not until it eats away your insides first...over time).

i've seen bens eyes roll into the back of his head and pass out with a blood sugar of 75. i have seen ben crawl around on the floor laughing and playing...with a blood sugar reading of 11. yes, ELEVEN. there is no good low. there are only LUCKY lows. as in, we got lucky THAT time.

NOW-don't go and blame mom and dad, it was NO ones fault. we're human. i have done it. slept through an alarm (yes, even MY internal alarm falters occasionally). i have woken up and watched the clock TRYING to find the strength to just get out of bed and do ONE more poke of the finger...knowing that if i had just gotten up when i woke up, i would have been back to sleep by now. but, it's hard. SO hard. i know you all can agree-and say 'i bet it is'...but really, NO one gets 'it' unless they live 'it'. 

so we can't be angry at the mom and dad for sleeping through this night time check. they are going to beat themselves up for the rest of THEIR lives over it. 

what a downer, right? this is what happens in my life today that says 'hey kel, instead of napping-washing dishes-laundry-napping-prepping dinner-napping- go get on the computer and start a blog'.

today, i can't wait for ben to come home. i am going to give him a huge squeeze.

no more for now. maybe i will write more later. but pearl is waking up from her nap. i have to ice a cake and quite frankly, i want to watch my tivo'd episodes of criminal minds before ben gets home from school. fold diapers and prep dinner. but i do have a goal with all of this blogging, and that is to educate SOMEONE about diabetes. all types.1, 2, 2.5, halle berry. even if i touch ONE person, maybe that ONE person will touch someone...and then knowledge will spread. like cooties, or the cheese touch. ew!

not to worry, i could get used to this blogging thing. i find myself hilarious, you should too.